Missed

It's been almost 20 months since my sweet baby boy was born into Heaven.  20 months of missed milestones, 20 months of tears and prayers, 20 months of just wishing I had a few seconds to hold him again, and 20 months living this new normal.  In those 20 months, I have relearned how to live day by day.  I guess to most people I look like I am completely healed but they do not understand that I will never be healed.  I will always be missing a piece of my heart.

Today was one of those days that hits you like a ton of bricks.  I have good days and bad days but after 20 months I have more good then bad.  Tyler has really taught me the true meaning of life, to live each moment and never take life for granted.  I miss him every second of every day and you know what that is ok.  Never let anyone tell you that you child is any less important because they no longer live.  I will always be the Mama of two amazing little boys.  I had to listen to that today and it took all of my courage not to get all worked up.  I just quietly whispered in my head to Tyler that I love him and I am so blessed to have him as my first born son.  I will always be thankful for him.

I do need prayers.  I have a friend of a friend that recently lost her son Cohen.  I messaged her on facebook and I haven't been able to respond back.  I keep praying that I will find the perfect words to help her but I type and type and nothing I say seems to fit.  Please keep Cohen and his sweet family in your prayers and pray for me that I would be able to be a shoulder to his sweet Mama.

Tyler's Headstone

My heart has been so heavy lately and I can't even put it into words.  No words that will describe the hurt or at least as elegantly as other BLM (baby loss mama's) are able to.  So, for now I will just share our Tyler's beautiful headstone and vase.

 

I absolutely love it but it makes things so...well...so FINAL!!  I feel like I can't do anything else for my baby boy.

I love you sweet Tyler.  I feel like sometimes I don't show or tell you enough but I do with all my heart.  Sometimes it is just easier to feel numb but know that you are forever loved and forever missed just like your headstone says.

Birthday Cupcake

October

Well little man, your month is finally here.  It seems like to mama it has crept up on us but I know you have been counting down the months.  At school I had to put up the October calendar for the kids.  Normally I do it while they are there but for this special month I needed to do it by myself.  It made me sad but through my tears I smiled because I know it is your extra special month.

These past few months, your family has been working on getting your headstone.  It has taken longer then I wanted but I wanted to make sure that it was perfect.  A perfect way to honor you.  I have to say that I am finally happy with the way it turned out.  My favorite part is your little footprints.  I know that when I come to visit you I will sit there and rub your little feet.  It will make me feel closer to you.

Anyways I wanted to share the drawing of your headstone with others and hopefully in the next few weeks, I will get to share a picture of the real thing.  Your headstone is a beautiful India black stone with silver lettering.

I can't wait to see it and I hope that you love it just as much as I love it.  The part with your lion is a flower vase and we are going to put new flowers and a solar light inside your vase.

I also wanted to share my wish for this next year, Ty-man.  I don't ever ever want to feel not a part of you.  I am worried that as the years pass I will not feel close to you.  I don't want that to happen.  I love talking to you and visiting you and feeling you visit me in my dreams.  I want that to continue until the day we meet again in Heaven.

October is a hard month for mama.  It's the last month that we had together on earth, it's the last month that I got to kiss and hold you, and it's the month that we had to say goodbye.  I also know there is a small chance that your brother might come in October.  I pray that he waits till the beginning of November but as I learned with you, I don't get to chose when he comes.  We are ready for him though whenever he chooses to come.

Papa and I are coming to visit you on your birthday on Wednesday.  We decided that we want to have a picnic with you.  I hope the weather is nice.  Then this spring we will celebrate your half birthday with more family members.  It's just hard for us baby boy because papa works on the weekend and mama is nearing the end of her pregnancy with your little brother.  I know that a small intimate 1st Birthday party will be wonderful.  I hope you enjoy it.  I know that I can't even imagine how wonderful your birthday will be in Heaven.

I love you baby boy and can't wait to visit you.  Thanks for letting me share your headstone.

First Birthday Reminder

A few days ago when I woke up I noticed that one of the pages in our calendar had fallen out onto the kitchen counter.  When I picked up the page, I noticed it was the month of October.  Ugh!  Big slap in the face.

As I was sticking the page back into the calendar my hand started to shake and I almost teared up.  Then I looked up and said, "Yes baby boy!  I know you are excited about your birthday coming up."

I know that in Heaven my baby feels no sadness and that makes me happy, but I can't help but feel sadness when I think of all the milestones I have missed during the 10 months of his life in Heaven.

I don't have pictures of his growing teeth, I don't have a video of him saying his first words, and I don't get to smile proudly as I see him take his first steps.  No mother should miss these things, but I've learned that nothing is guaranteed.

Then this morning when I woke up the October page was laying on the counter again.  I knew what my baby was trying to tell me, his birthday wasn't marked on the calendar.  "I won't forget your birthday little man!"  So I took out the pen and write down the most important date.

So, today I learned that Tyler is super excited about turning one.  I know that birthdays in Heaven must be amazing and that isn't even a good word to describe it.  I wish with all my heart that I could be with him on October 6th to kiss and hug on him, but I can't.  I do know that one day I will have that day and there will be no more sadness.

Vermont Angels

I got these today and wanted to share.

Thank you to Emma and Chase's mommy, Jill!  You can view her wonderful work on her blog.

Ryan and I just love how they are by the river, since it's one of our favorite places to be. 
I know that Tyler must love the river too :).

Wordless Wednesday