Missed

It's been almost 20 months since my sweet baby boy was born into Heaven.  20 months of missed milestones, 20 months of tears and prayers, 20 months of just wishing I had a few seconds to hold him again, and 20 months living this new normal.  In those 20 months, I have relearned how to live day by day.  I guess to most people I look like I am completely healed but they do not understand that I will never be healed.  I will always be missing a piece of my heart.

Today was one of those days that hits you like a ton of bricks.  I have good days and bad days but after 20 months I have more good then bad.  Tyler has really taught me the true meaning of life, to live each moment and never take life for granted.  I miss him every second of every day and you know what that is ok.  Never let anyone tell you that you child is any less important because they no longer live.  I will always be the Mama of two amazing little boys.  I had to listen to that today and it took all of my courage not to get all worked up.  I just quietly whispered in my head to Tyler that I love him and I am so blessed to have him as my first born son.  I will always be thankful for him.

I do need prayers.  I have a friend of a friend that recently lost her son Cohen.  I messaged her on facebook and I haven't been able to respond back.  I keep praying that I will find the perfect words to help her but I type and type and nothing I say seems to fit.  Please keep Cohen and his sweet family in your prayers and pray for me that I would be able to be a shoulder to his sweet Mama.

Tyler's Headstone

My heart has been so heavy lately and I can't even put it into words.  No words that will describe the hurt or at least as elegantly as other BLM (baby loss mama's) are able to.  So, for now I will just share our Tyler's beautiful headstone and vase.

 

I absolutely love it but it makes things so...well...so FINAL!!  I feel like I can't do anything else for my baby boy.

I love you sweet Tyler.  I feel like sometimes I don't show or tell you enough but I do with all my heart.  Sometimes it is just easier to feel numb but know that you are forever loved and forever missed just like your headstone says.

Birthday Cupcake

October

Well little man, your month is finally here.  It seems like to mama it has crept up on us but I know you have been counting down the months.  At school I had to put up the October calendar for the kids.  Normally I do it while they are there but for this special month I needed to do it by myself.  It made me sad but through my tears I smiled because I know it is your extra special month.

These past few months, your family has been working on getting your headstone.  It has taken longer then I wanted but I wanted to make sure that it was perfect.  A perfect way to honor you.  I have to say that I am finally happy with the way it turned out.  My favorite part is your little footprints.  I know that when I come to visit you I will sit there and rub your little feet.  It will make me feel closer to you.

Anyways I wanted to share the drawing of your headstone with others and hopefully in the next few weeks, I will get to share a picture of the real thing.  Your headstone is a beautiful India black stone with silver lettering.

I can't wait to see it and I hope that you love it just as much as I love it.  The part with your lion is a flower vase and we are going to put new flowers and a solar light inside your vase.

I also wanted to share my wish for this next year, Ty-man.  I don't ever ever want to feel not a part of you.  I am worried that as the years pass I will not feel close to you.  I don't want that to happen.  I love talking to you and visiting you and feeling you visit me in my dreams.  I want that to continue until the day we meet again in Heaven.

October is a hard month for mama.  It's the last month that we had together on earth, it's the last month that I got to kiss and hold you, and it's the month that we had to say goodbye.  I also know there is a small chance that your brother might come in October.  I pray that he waits till the beginning of November but as I learned with you, I don't get to chose when he comes.  We are ready for him though whenever he chooses to come.

Papa and I are coming to visit you on your birthday on Wednesday.  We decided that we want to have a picnic with you.  I hope the weather is nice.  Then this spring we will celebrate your half birthday with more family members.  It's just hard for us baby boy because papa works on the weekend and mama is nearing the end of her pregnancy with your little brother.  I know that a small intimate 1st Birthday party will be wonderful.  I hope you enjoy it.  I know that I can't even imagine how wonderful your birthday will be in Heaven.

I love you baby boy and can't wait to visit you.  Thanks for letting me share your headstone.

First Birthday Reminder

A few days ago when I woke up I noticed that one of the pages in our calendar had fallen out onto the kitchen counter.  When I picked up the page, I noticed it was the month of October.  Ugh!  Big slap in the face.

As I was sticking the page back into the calendar my hand started to shake and I almost teared up.  Then I looked up and said, "Yes baby boy!  I know you are excited about your birthday coming up."

I know that in Heaven my baby feels no sadness and that makes me happy, but I can't help but feel sadness when I think of all the milestones I have missed during the 10 months of his life in Heaven.

I don't have pictures of his growing teeth, I don't have a video of him saying his first words, and I don't get to smile proudly as I see him take his first steps.  No mother should miss these things, but I've learned that nothing is guaranteed.

Then this morning when I woke up the October page was laying on the counter again.  I knew what my baby was trying to tell me, his birthday wasn't marked on the calendar.  "I won't forget your birthday little man!"  So I took out the pen and write down the most important date.

So, today I learned that Tyler is super excited about turning one.  I know that birthdays in Heaven must be amazing and that isn't even a good word to describe it.  I wish with all my heart that I could be with him on October 6th to kiss and hug on him, but I can't.  I do know that one day I will have that day and there will be no more sadness.

Vermont Angels

I got these today and wanted to share.

Thank you to Emma and Chase's mommy, Jill!  You can view her wonderful work on her blog.

Ryan and I just love how they are by the river, since it's one of our favorite places to be. 
I know that Tyler must love the river too :).

Wordless Wednesday

Happy 3 Month Heavenly Birthday

Happy 3 Month Heavenly Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is your Third Month Birthday. We can't believe that it's been three months since we held and kissed your sweet forehead. We sure do miss you little one.

Here is Daddy and Mommy kissing your giraffe. I love this picture.

Today was Mommy's second day at work. I sure did feel like you were with me and it felt like you were proud of Mommy for going to work. I sure did love the sign that you sent us. Daddy loves it too. He feels like you love cars just as much as he does. I'm so proud that you learned the color green today. Mommy loves that she can still teach you things.

We sure do love and miss you sweet baby boy! Please send us extra love tonight!! Happy 3 Month Birthday!!

Here is an updated picture of our family. Daddy, your giraffe, and Mommy.

I Need You Tomorrow

Tyler,

Happy New Year!! I know that you and all of your angel friends had a huge celebration up in Heaven. Daddy and I cooked seafood and Macy tried to stay up but she feel asleep. She sees you a lot, little one. I can tell she is looking at you because she'll sigh and then look at me. She really loves you and misses you just as much as Daddy and I do.

Well baby boy, tomorrow is going to be a hard day for mommy. It's my first day going back to work. This was supposed to be your first day at daycare but instead mommy has to go back to work without you. It would be nice for you to show me some sort of sign tomorrow that you are with me and thinking about me. It would help mommy a lot.

I loved the fortune cookie that you sent for mommy. It was perfect. Daddy tried to take a picture of it but all the pictures that we took didn't show the words very clearly. It said,

"One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is to listen to each other's stories."

Don't worry baby boy. Mommy loves to share your story and I will tell everyone that wants to listen. You are so special to Mommy and Daddy. You will always be our first son and our guardian angel. We can't wait till you have brothers and/or sisters that we can share them with you.

I love you baby boy and I would love to feel you with me tomorrow as I go back to work.

I love you forever and always.
Your Mommy

I'll Praise the One Who's Chosen Me to Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
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Tyler,
I'm so sorry I haven't written here in awhile, but I know that you know that I think about you every second of every day. Mommy will never know why you can't be here with us but I do know that I will see and hold you again in Heaven.

Christmas was so hard for us. Mommy held your little Christmas outfit and cried, I so wanted to dress you up in it and take pictures of you and daddy by our Christmas tree. I hope that you were wearing your outfit up in Heaven. I can't even imagine the celebration that you had up in Heaven with Jesus. I can't wait to celebrate Christmas with you in Heaven.

Please watch over daddy sweet little boy. He misses you so so much and he has taken on so much to help mommy. Send him a sign that you are thinking of him. You really are daddy's little twin.

Don't worry little one when mommy cries it just because I love you so much. It hurts that people here on earth don't see me as being a mommy. I will always be your mommy and I will always carry you with me.

I love you sweet boy and I'm sending you a kiss to Heaven right now.

Love,
your Mommy

Happy One Month Angelversary Baby Boy

Dearest Baby Boy,

Today is your one month angelversary. How exciting! I hope that you had tons of fun with your sister and all your new angel friends! Momma, Daddy, and Macy released a balloon today for you. Did you get it? We watched it float up to heaven for you and we sent kisses with it too. Macy was so excited to go to the park. She chased and barked at a frog. She misses you just as much as mommy and daddy do. Don't worry though baby boy when we cry it's just because we love you so much and wish that you could be here with us.

We love you with all of our hearts and we hope you had a fun day in heaven. We love to see all the signs that you send us.

Love,
Momma, Daddy, and Macy (your dog sister)

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I can't believe it has been one month since we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby boy. I wish I could go back to that day just so I could hold him and love on him some more. His blanket still smells like his sweet baby smell. I just hope that he knows how much we all love and miss him dearly.

I found some great support from some women on the NILMDTS forum that have gone through similar situations. I wish there wasn't anyone else who had gone through what we did but there is. It is nice to know that you aren't alone.

Last night was really rough. I couldn't sleep and I just keep thinking that I would give anything to have to stay up and get no sleep because Tyler needed me. To hold him and rock him and love on him as much as I possibly could. Then I got angry because this shouldn't happen to anyone. And then I got even more angry because I felt like we weren't ready for Tyler. I still needed to wash all his clothes and finish his room. He deserved that. Then I just cried because I miss my baby. I miss Tyler, my little tiger. Ryan cried too and we just held each other with Tyler's blanket wrapped around me.

Today has been a little better, well until we went to go get Tyler's balloon. First we went to the Dollar Tree and we picked out a balloon. Then we went to pay and the place didn't accept MasterCard ... well needless to say we searched both of our wallets and no cash. I wanted to cry. I couldn't even buy a balloon for my baby. I wanted to tell the lady what the balloon was for to just cry out that I just want to honor my son on his special day. My husband knew what I was thinking and said we can go to HEB no big deal.

When we got to HEB I found an even better balloon and was thrilled. We went to find the lady to blow up Tyler's balloon and she pretty rude. Apparently she was allergic to latex and she went to find someone else to help. She didn't seem to care and kept walking in and out of the freezer ... my anxiety got worse. I was failing Tyler and nobody seemed to care or want to help me. Finally this super nice lady came to help us and my anxiety went down. It was like she just knew that the balloon meant a lot to my husband and I.

I wrote on the balloon as my husband drove to the park. I wrote, "Happy One Month Angelversary Tyler" We signed the balloon and kissed it for our baby boy. When we got to the park it was pretty dark and that upset me but it was still Tyler's angelversary and I knew that he didn't mind what time he got his balloon. We released it and watched it float to heaven. I kept asking Ryan if Tyler got his balloon and he assured me that he did. I left pretty at peace knowing that we were able to be a part of baby boy's special day.

Our Greatest Joy Was Having You

Baby Tyler,

Mommy misses you so very much! I wish I could kiss your sweet forehead and watch you as you sleep. Now, I know that you kiss my forehead and watch me sleep at night. Mommy is trying not to be so sad but I miss my baby boy so much. People tell me it will get better, but I know I will always miss my sweet baby boy. I can't wait till I get to hold you in heaven.

I love you forever.
I like you for always.
Forever and always, my baby you'll be.

Grandma came to visit you today. She said that your sunflowers are so bright. Mommy knew that you were a sunflower baby. It's amazing cause I see sunflowers on the side of the road and it makes me smile to think of you in heaven. You are such a beautiful baby boy! You bring mommy and daddy so much joy, we just wish we could see you laugh and smile. I know that you are smiling in heaven.

Macy misses her bubba very much. She often lays on my tummy and I know she is thinking of you. Daddy took her for a walk today and she was very excited. Hopefully mommy won't be sick for very much longer and she can take Macy to visit the dog park.

Tyler, you'll always be our special baby boy and mommy can't wait to be with you in heaven one day. I know you'll run into my arms and whisper mommy into my ear. I wish you could be here with Daddy, Macy, and me but God had other plans for our baby boy.

I keep looking at your pictures and wishing I could hold you again. I know that day will come but it won't be soon enough. I love you, Tyler and you'll always be mommy's sweet angel baby boy.

Until we meet in heaven. Love always, your Mommy.

There Will Be a Day

Ryan and I just got back home from seeing family this weekend. It's great to be surrounded by such love and support, but it makes coming back to Houston even harder. Tomorrow is Ryan's first day back at work and tomorrow is the start of me being at home by myself. Honestly, I'm scared to be alone but I think it will be good for me. I've been overworking myself and it will be good to rest. Plus it will give me a chance to write some thank you notes and finish the books that I have started.

It's so difficult to be 34 weeks pregnant and then all of sudden you aren't and you don't have a baby to hold and take care of. My body still thinks there is a baby and I'm going through all the symptoms that a normal postpartum mom encounters. It hurts physically and mentally and makes me miss Tyler even more.

I finished his ultrasound photo album and I carry it with me everywhere. It has all the photos that we have of him and it helps to look at them. They make me smile because it makes me think of all the wonderful active times when he was in my tummy.

I talk to Tyler often and it helps to know that he can hear me, I just hope that he knows that I love him more then anything. I just wish I could hold him and kiss him again.

My faith keeps me going and I have to keep the faith for Tyler. That way I know that I will see him again one day and I know that he will run up to me as I come up to the gate.

I keep saying the lyrics to this Jeremy Camp song over and over again. It helps me and gives me something to look forward too.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.

In Loving Memory of Tyler Evan Chambers

When we found out I was pregnant,
We were so filled with joy,
Our gift from God,
Our sweet little boy.

I felt you grow and move around,
Little kicks of love,
Felt like heaven above.

We got to hold you once,
And for that we'll always treasure,
Your pretty little face,
Brought us so much pleasure.

You are now our little angel,
In God's loving arms,
Where you will be safe and sound,
And nothing can do you harm.

Our love will grow stronger,
Everyday as we go on,
You will be our son forever,
As precious and innocent as ever.