Happy One Month Angelversary Baby Boy

Dearest Baby Boy,

Today is your one month angelversary. How exciting! I hope that you had tons of fun with your sister and all your new angel friends! Momma, Daddy, and Macy released a balloon today for you. Did you get it? We watched it float up to heaven for you and we sent kisses with it too. Macy was so excited to go to the park. She chased and barked at a frog. She misses you just as much as mommy and daddy do. Don't worry though baby boy when we cry it's just because we love you so much and wish that you could be here with us.

We love you with all of our hearts and we hope you had a fun day in heaven. We love to see all the signs that you send us.

Love,
Momma, Daddy, and Macy (your dog sister)

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I can't believe it has been one month since we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby boy. I wish I could go back to that day just so I could hold him and love on him some more. His blanket still smells like his sweet baby smell. I just hope that he knows how much we all love and miss him dearly.

I found some great support from some women on the NILMDTS forum that have gone through similar situations. I wish there wasn't anyone else who had gone through what we did but there is. It is nice to know that you aren't alone.

Last night was really rough. I couldn't sleep and I just keep thinking that I would give anything to have to stay up and get no sleep because Tyler needed me. To hold him and rock him and love on him as much as I possibly could. Then I got angry because this shouldn't happen to anyone. And then I got even more angry because I felt like we weren't ready for Tyler. I still needed to wash all his clothes and finish his room. He deserved that. Then I just cried because I miss my baby. I miss Tyler, my little tiger. Ryan cried too and we just held each other with Tyler's blanket wrapped around me.

Today has been a little better, well until we went to go get Tyler's balloon. First we went to the Dollar Tree and we picked out a balloon. Then we went to pay and the place didn't accept MasterCard ... well needless to say we searched both of our wallets and no cash. I wanted to cry. I couldn't even buy a balloon for my baby. I wanted to tell the lady what the balloon was for to just cry out that I just want to honor my son on his special day. My husband knew what I was thinking and said we can go to HEB no big deal.

When we got to HEB I found an even better balloon and was thrilled. We went to find the lady to blow up Tyler's balloon and she pretty rude. Apparently she was allergic to latex and she went to find someone else to help. She didn't seem to care and kept walking in and out of the freezer ... my anxiety got worse. I was failing Tyler and nobody seemed to care or want to help me. Finally this super nice lady came to help us and my anxiety went down. It was like she just knew that the balloon meant a lot to my husband and I.

I wrote on the balloon as my husband drove to the park. I wrote, "Happy One Month Angelversary Tyler" We signed the balloon and kissed it for our baby boy. When we got to the park it was pretty dark and that upset me but it was still Tyler's angelversary and I knew that he didn't mind what time he got his balloon. We released it and watched it float to heaven. I kept asking Ryan if Tyler got his balloon and he assured me that he did. I left pretty at peace knowing that we were able to be a part of baby boy's special day.