First Birthday Reminder

A few days ago when I woke up I noticed that one of the pages in our calendar had fallen out onto the kitchen counter.  When I picked up the page, I noticed it was the month of October.  Ugh!  Big slap in the face.

As I was sticking the page back into the calendar my hand started to shake and I almost teared up.  Then I looked up and said, "Yes baby boy!  I know you are excited about your birthday coming up."

I know that in Heaven my baby feels no sadness and that makes me happy, but I can't help but feel sadness when I think of all the milestones I have missed during the 10 months of his life in Heaven.

I don't have pictures of his growing teeth, I don't have a video of him saying his first words, and I don't get to smile proudly as I see him take his first steps.  No mother should miss these things, but I've learned that nothing is guaranteed.

Then this morning when I woke up the October page was laying on the counter again.  I knew what my baby was trying to tell me, his birthday wasn't marked on the calendar.  "I won't forget your birthday little man!"  So I took out the pen and write down the most important date.

So, today I learned that Tyler is super excited about turning one.  I know that birthdays in Heaven must be amazing and that isn't even a good word to describe it.  I wish with all my heart that I could be with him on October 6th to kiss and hug on him, but I can't.  I do know that one day I will have that day and there will be no more sadness.

Vermont Angels

I got these today and wanted to share.

Thank you to Emma and Chase's mommy, Jill!  You can view her wonderful work on her blog.

Ryan and I just love how they are by the river, since it's one of our favorite places to be. 
I know that Tyler must love the river too :).

Wordless Wednesday

Happy 3 Month Heavenly Birthday

Happy 3 Month Heavenly Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is your Third Month Birthday. We can't believe that it's been three months since we held and kissed your sweet forehead. We sure do miss you little one.

Here is Daddy and Mommy kissing your giraffe. I love this picture.

Today was Mommy's second day at work. I sure did feel like you were with me and it felt like you were proud of Mommy for going to work. I sure did love the sign that you sent us. Daddy loves it too. He feels like you love cars just as much as he does. I'm so proud that you learned the color green today. Mommy loves that she can still teach you things.

We sure do love and miss you sweet baby boy! Please send us extra love tonight!! Happy 3 Month Birthday!!

Here is an updated picture of our family. Daddy, your giraffe, and Mommy.

I Need You Tomorrow

Tyler,

Happy New Year!! I know that you and all of your angel friends had a huge celebration up in Heaven. Daddy and I cooked seafood and Macy tried to stay up but she feel asleep. She sees you a lot, little one. I can tell she is looking at you because she'll sigh and then look at me. She really loves you and misses you just as much as Daddy and I do.

Well baby boy, tomorrow is going to be a hard day for mommy. It's my first day going back to work. This was supposed to be your first day at daycare but instead mommy has to go back to work without you. It would be nice for you to show me some sort of sign tomorrow that you are with me and thinking about me. It would help mommy a lot.

I loved the fortune cookie that you sent for mommy. It was perfect. Daddy tried to take a picture of it but all the pictures that we took didn't show the words very clearly. It said,

"One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is to listen to each other's stories."

Don't worry baby boy. Mommy loves to share your story and I will tell everyone that wants to listen. You are so special to Mommy and Daddy. You will always be our first son and our guardian angel. We can't wait till you have brothers and/or sisters that we can share them with you.

I love you baby boy and I would love to feel you with me tomorrow as I go back to work.

I love you forever and always.
Your Mommy

I'll Praise the One Who's Chosen Me to Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
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Tyler,
I'm so sorry I haven't written here in awhile, but I know that you know that I think about you every second of every day. Mommy will never know why you can't be here with us but I do know that I will see and hold you again in Heaven.

Christmas was so hard for us. Mommy held your little Christmas outfit and cried, I so wanted to dress you up in it and take pictures of you and daddy by our Christmas tree. I hope that you were wearing your outfit up in Heaven. I can't even imagine the celebration that you had up in Heaven with Jesus. I can't wait to celebrate Christmas with you in Heaven.

Please watch over daddy sweet little boy. He misses you so so much and he has taken on so much to help mommy. Send him a sign that you are thinking of him. You really are daddy's little twin.

Don't worry little one when mommy cries it just because I love you so much. It hurts that people here on earth don't see me as being a mommy. I will always be your mommy and I will always carry you with me.

I love you sweet boy and I'm sending you a kiss to Heaven right now.

Love,
your Mommy

Happy One Month Angelversary Baby Boy

Dearest Baby Boy,

Today is your one month angelversary. How exciting! I hope that you had tons of fun with your sister and all your new angel friends! Momma, Daddy, and Macy released a balloon today for you. Did you get it? We watched it float up to heaven for you and we sent kisses with it too. Macy was so excited to go to the park. She chased and barked at a frog. She misses you just as much as mommy and daddy do. Don't worry though baby boy when we cry it's just because we love you so much and wish that you could be here with us.

We love you with all of our hearts and we hope you had a fun day in heaven. We love to see all the signs that you send us.

Love,
Momma, Daddy, and Macy (your dog sister)

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I can't believe it has been one month since we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby boy. I wish I could go back to that day just so I could hold him and love on him some more. His blanket still smells like his sweet baby smell. I just hope that he knows how much we all love and miss him dearly.

I found some great support from some women on the NILMDTS forum that have gone through similar situations. I wish there wasn't anyone else who had gone through what we did but there is. It is nice to know that you aren't alone.

Last night was really rough. I couldn't sleep and I just keep thinking that I would give anything to have to stay up and get no sleep because Tyler needed me. To hold him and rock him and love on him as much as I possibly could. Then I got angry because this shouldn't happen to anyone. And then I got even more angry because I felt like we weren't ready for Tyler. I still needed to wash all his clothes and finish his room. He deserved that. Then I just cried because I miss my baby. I miss Tyler, my little tiger. Ryan cried too and we just held each other with Tyler's blanket wrapped around me.

Today has been a little better, well until we went to go get Tyler's balloon. First we went to the Dollar Tree and we picked out a balloon. Then we went to pay and the place didn't accept MasterCard ... well needless to say we searched both of our wallets and no cash. I wanted to cry. I couldn't even buy a balloon for my baby. I wanted to tell the lady what the balloon was for to just cry out that I just want to honor my son on his special day. My husband knew what I was thinking and said we can go to HEB no big deal.

When we got to HEB I found an even better balloon and was thrilled. We went to find the lady to blow up Tyler's balloon and she pretty rude. Apparently she was allergic to latex and she went to find someone else to help. She didn't seem to care and kept walking in and out of the freezer ... my anxiety got worse. I was failing Tyler and nobody seemed to care or want to help me. Finally this super nice lady came to help us and my anxiety went down. It was like she just knew that the balloon meant a lot to my husband and I.

I wrote on the balloon as my husband drove to the park. I wrote, "Happy One Month Angelversary Tyler" We signed the balloon and kissed it for our baby boy. When we got to the park it was pretty dark and that upset me but it was still Tyler's angelversary and I knew that he didn't mind what time he got his balloon. We released it and watched it float to heaven. I kept asking Ryan if Tyler got his balloon and he assured me that he did. I left pretty at peace knowing that we were able to be a part of baby boy's special day.